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FUNNY (and real) SIGNS

On a plumbing company's van: "A flush beats a full house!"

A sign at a little restaurant: "Eat here or we'll both starve"

In the bathroom of a mom and pop store: "We aim to please, so, please, you aim too."

Sign on a retail store door:

PUSH, if it doesn't open,
PULL, if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Another pizza shop slogan: "Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a drycleaners: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a house's fence: "Salespeople welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

[Now begin the funny signs submitted by Funnies readers]

Your sign funny reminded me of our local tow truck company - his truck reads: "Jesus wants your heart, we just want your tow." (Kevin)

From a local (Galeton, PA) septic pumping company - "#1 in the #2 business." (Michael)

I saw a 'funny' sign in Roseburg, OR on the cul-de-sac where my parents live. The building next to the street has changed hands many times and has housed several different businesses. One interesting business was a funeral home. Not that a funeral home is 'funny', but the "Dead End"
sign out front obviously had to be changed. The new one read 'No Outlet.' (Jeff)

I used to work at a travel agency where the motto was "Please go away." (Beth)

A cesspool repair/maintenance guy has this on his truck: "Your doodoo is my bread and butter." (Nina)

On a radiator shop in Springfield, MO: "The best place to take a leak in town." (Chip)

I saw this on a dry cleaners in Hammonton, NJ: "Satisfaction guaranteed, or your dirt back." (Tim)

In the small town I grew up in there is a tire shop. Their sign out front says, "Best place in Texas to take a leak." (Brian)

I was in New York City at St. Patrick's Cathedral. After savoring the awe of this enormous and stunning architectural achievement, I took a leisurely walk all around the exterior, finally stopping at the "small" prayer chapel next to the towering cathedral. Just outside the door, a small sign: "Talk to God today. He's always there to listen. Prayer Chapel Hours: 9 - 7 Daily." (And after 7pm, who's listening?) (McNair)

Sign on an electric company: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts." (Eric)

I saw this sign on a hair-dresser in Cresta: "Curl up and dye" (Brian)

In Smithfield, Va., there is a packing house by the Ivy Hill Cemetery, where my grandparents are buried. Next to the sign for the cemetery is a sign for the packing house that reads "Shipping & Receiving." Many funerals are probably accompanied by the sounds of squealing hogs. (Cindy)

When in junior high a new business moved in a block away from my suburban Buffalo, NY home. That family owns a number of locations in the area: Amigone Funeral Home (Ron)

Here's one from St. Louis - a sign above a gas station reads: Eat here! Get gas! (Chris)

One of the funniest signs I ever saw was actually a billboard in the great state of Kentucky -- it gave the name of a tattoo parlor and then said, "Tattoos done while you wait!" (Jon)

Sign at a tire shop: "Re-tire before you go bald!" (Sue)

Driving by a Hardees one time, I saw a sign that said "Special: Fish and Kid Fry." (mburtz)

We have a garbage disposal company in Vancouver, BC who has the motto "Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back." (Scott)

A septic tank company in our town has a billboard that reads: "We want your stinkin' business." (Theda)

I laugh to myself every time I pass by this church. It was located in St. Catharines, ON, and the church sign read: "There are many choices in life, but only two in eternity. Sunday school 9:30, Meeting 10:30." (Leah)

I love the sign I once saw on a restaurant in Myrtle Beach: "Open 365 days a year. Closed Today." And it wasn't a leap year! (Frietz)

Sale sign in a camping shop: "Now is the discount of our winter tent..." (A play on the Shakespearean line "Now is the winter of your discontent") (Gilljig)

Sign on a car wash marquee (Denver): "Our vacuums really suck!" (Russ)

From a plumber: "A flush is better than a full house." (Cheryl)

My favorite sign was here in Tampa, Fl at a now defunct lawn mower sales/service company called "Mow Town." (Paul)

I saw a sign in a Stavanger, Norway hairdresser: "Nice face, shame about the hair." (Paul)

Here’s one from Down Under...a sign from a furniture company: "Our beds are factory trained not to climb on your children. Please show the same courtesy." (Mary)

One of the best signs I've seen here in New Zealand was on a van in the UK belonging to a curtain and blind retailer. The message on the back of the van said, "This van is being driven by a blind man!" (Kev)

Years ago in Lilburn GA, at an antique furniture refinishing & repair shop, the sign proudly proclaimed "Male Stripper on Duty." (Ellen)

While traveling on Interstate 40 through eastern New Mexico, we stopped at a rest area to use the bathroom. There was construction going on and a sign actually said, "Please use sidewalk." (Larry)

Just a few years back, one of our utility companies bore the unfortunate name, "People's Natural Gas." No comment. (Daren)

Our local Subway had a sign that said "Now hiring - 6in tuna- $3.59." Poor, underpaid, overworked tiny tuna! (Jennifer)

One of the tow truck companies in my hometown had an old tow truck they would drive in parades. On its side it said, "The oldest hooker in town." (Andrew)

A sign that was up for a while at a hot dog stand on Jefferson Road: "We relish your buns." (Mike)

I recently observed a sign out front of a church intending to advertise a fundraiser for the youth group: "Archery Shoot Youth Fundraiser." (Eric)

The funniest sign I've seen lately is on the road leading into the Birmingham, AL airport. It says "Parking" and has an arrow...pointing at the graveyard! (Lalaclown)

In San Luis Obispo, all the city busses have plastered on their sides, "SLO Transit."

The funniest sign I ever saw was apparently supposed to be a Christmas message. It was a very simple sign. All it said was, "This shall be a sign to you." (Tim)

At First Assembly of God in Union Grove, WI, the sign out front once read: "Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Sun worship 10:30 am." (Daniel)

A barber in East Petersburg, PA has a sign stating, "I need your head in my business." (Vivian)

In Amarillo, TX there is a Burger King sign that reads, "Work for the King, Not The Clown" (referring to McDonalds). (Alan)

At our AA clubhouse in Lemon Grove, a sign on the bulletin board states: "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy!" (Lisa)

There's a brake shop in Brea that has a sign that says: "We stand in front of our brake jobs." (Cindy)

Sign at a hairdresser: "I'm a beautician, not a magician." (Barbara)

For a local sanitation company: "You Dump It! We Pump It!" (Taboo)

On a veterinarian/taxidermist marquee: "Either way you get your cat back." (J Bo)

Sign in front of a ceramics studio in a strip mall in Katy, TX: "If you're not shopping in our store, your car will be fired and glazed." (Glenna)

On the front window of a convenience store in Henderson, NV: “These premises are protected by an armed guard 3 nights a week. You figure out which 3.”(Lynn )

There was a barbecue restraurant in our town next to a day care center. One day the BBQ sign read, "Special - Baby Back Ribs". Underneath was a small sign that read, "Now enrolling toddlers." (Terrie)

I saw it at a Dune Dogs at Jupiter, FL. It said "We Have The Fastest Servers! (No Matter How Long It Takes!)" (Tianna)

While shopping in Wales, I found a sign outside the public bathroom which read, "If toilets are closed, please use cafe across the road." (Karen)

There's an antique shop in VA on Rt 211 in the Appalachian mountains which proudly displays a sign proclaiming "Antique tables made daily." (Joel)

Finishing with this ditty from Jeremy in NY:

A while ago, I was sitting in our car in the Wal*Mart parking lot waiting for my wife to finish her shopping. I looked up, saw a sign, and immediately created a joke. I guess it's funny. Here goes. Thanks for listening...

Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision. "Who should go, Clark or Lois?" He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please. Show me a sign." That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Wal*Mart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer.

The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go." After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief - how did you know which one of us should go?" Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Wal*Mart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE."