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10 & 11.2008: Bulletin Funnies

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Over the years we've collected MANY versions of one of the most popular Internet humor pieces: Church Bulletin Bloopers. We've compiled them in to one looooong list. Enjoy...



~ Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

~ Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

~ Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

~ Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

~ "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

~ Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome!  Everyone come for a fun time.

~ The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

~ The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

~ Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

~ Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

~ The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

~ Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

~ Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

~ Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.

~ Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

~ The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

~ Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

~ The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

~ A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

~ At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

~ Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

~ The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

~ Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

~ Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

~ The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

~ For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

~ During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

~ Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

~ Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

~ The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

~ This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

~ Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

~ Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

~ This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

~ Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.--prayer and medication to follow.

~ The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Belzer; the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

~ Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

~ The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

~ Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

~ The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Up Yours!"

~ The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

~ The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

~ A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

~ The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

~ The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

~ Evening massage: 6 p.m.

~ The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

~ The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

~ Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

~ Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

~ Ushers will eat latecomers.

~ The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.

~ Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

~ Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

~ Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

~ The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

~ In the church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better.

~ Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...

~ The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the final secretary gave a grief report.

~ We have a food program in the church for those in need which we call The Pastor's Pantry. Well, in the magazine, I (church secretary) wrote "THE PANTY FUND - so that no one will have to go without!" Oops.

~ A visiting pastor came to our church and before the sermon said, "My wife and I are very happy to be here. Honey, get up so the brothers can see you."

~ We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."

~ This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.

~ Sinspiration this Sunday night at church. Ya'll Come!

~ This blooper showed up on the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada:
"In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."

~ Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.

~ Couples Retreat: All couples interested in a fun time, meet John in the Courtyard Kiosk after church.

~ Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth

~ Join us for a skirt presented by the Drama Team.

~ We will have a Super Bowel party this Sunday night.  We will also have our regular service

~ Summer Festival: Menu for Wednesday night:  1/2 baked chicken, baked potato, and corn.

~ Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

~ Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

~ The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.

~ Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and briefs to bear.

~ Church sign: Jesus Saves!
Safeway sign across the street: Safeway saves you more!

~ For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week:
There will be no Moms who care this week.

~ This one I said myself during the congregational prayer when leading prayer for our unsaved loved ones: Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.

~ Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

~ Come out this evening for a time of prayer and sinning.

~ A woman's blouse was found at a table in the middle of the servant appreciation dinner. If you lost your blouse, please come to the church office.

~ Overeaters Anonymous meeting will be held at 8 pm in the large room.

~ The ladies in the style show will meet with their dresses down in front after morning worship.

~ A worm welcome to all who have come today.

~ Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear

~ Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

~ If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

~ Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

~ Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

~ Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with my Solo"

~ Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

~ If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

~ We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

~ Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford"

~ Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

~ Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

~ Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

~ The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.

~ The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.

~ As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

~ Fifth Sinday is Lent.

~ Thank you dead friends.

~ Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

~ Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

~ Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

~ For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

~ Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

~ Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

~ Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

~ The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working...

~ Don't forget that elections for Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess will be held at next month's business meeting.

~ We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

~ May God give us increasing hunger for the Blob.

~ There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.

~ Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows

~ Child care provided with reservations.

~ Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."

~ Janet Smith has volunteered to strip, and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.

~ Were you there when they laid Him in the bomb?

~ Christ is a member of Boy Scout Troop 36.

~ Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.

~ My joke is easy and my burden is light.

~ I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me drink.

~ We are an autonomous body, operating under the hardship of Jesus Christ.

~ The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.

~ Hymn of Invitation: "Whoever He Leads I'll Go"

~ The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.

~ Worshipers are asked to wail until all have been served to partake of the Body and the Blood of Christ.

~ Pray for continual growth in the lives of many of our teens--that a food foundation will be laid in their lives.

~ Boars of Trustees

~ We are always happy to have you sue our facility.

~ The activity will take place on the church barking lot.

~ Hymn: I am Thin, O Lord.

~ I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.

~ Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour

~ New Missionaries: Tim is a pilot and flies missionaries and supplies into the bush.

~ Palm Sunday: Our regular service will be gin at 11:00 a.m.

~ All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.

~ When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.

~ Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

~ Volunteers are needed to spit up food for distribution following the Restaurant Supply Show at the Expo Center.

~ This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

~ The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this evening at 6.

~ On Easter Sunday, our bulletin read "Jesus was buried in a bomb but He lives today!"

~ Women in the Word starts next week. There are several different studies to choose from. Ladies, make sure you sign up for a stud before next week.

~ On the sign in front of the church:
     This week's sermon: "When is Sex Not Enough?"
     The choir sings: "I Need Thee Every Hour"

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